I Know I am Not a Good Person

I know I’m not a good person. Some people think I exaggerate, others think I am saying it for attention, and still others think it’s a sadistic way of making them feel bad when I say it. I’m not trying to make someone feel awkward.

But I mean it. I’m not a good person.

It’s too easy to think I am. After all, I’ve accomplished a lot in my life, and my 27th birthday is less than a week away. I’ve set out to do this, and that, and other things, and most of them I’ve been able to do. Some of it, I wouldn’t even take credit for, like my kids and my husband.

There’s really only one big thing I can’t do anything about in this life that I want.

See? It’s too easy to say I’m a good person by what I have or what I have done.

People might tell me I’m privileged, because that’s a thing now. Because somehow making responsible choices (most of the time, anyway) or resisting the desire to make bad ones (most of the time, again) is crazy and goes unrewarded in today’s world.* Some might say it’s because I’m a feminist (only a 1.5 wave) or because I’m white or because I had a good education.

But people all over the world have much better circumstances and still don’t succeed, and there are plenty of people who do terrible things with money. So I am not a good person because of my success, no matter how much morally, ethically, financially, or responsibly I manage it.

It’s too illogical to think because of where I started and what I had to work with, I am a good person. It plays into the first thing I mentioned, too.

I know I’m not a good person because I know how hard it is for me to do things that I know ARE good. I also know how I don’t do them enough or at all, even though I know I SHOULD for the greater good, or even the GREATEST good.

I’d rather do what feels good to me than do good for others. 

So as a result, I am not only more concerned with myself and myself’s happiness, but further down the line, it lets me have an excuse for being lazy, selfish, intolerant, destructive, manipulative, and irresponsible. I can even create scapegoats for blaming my problems and feel justified in hating them for making me feel bad. And it is easy!

And it’s even easier to never call it a problem.

Because it is HARD to change.

If you’ve never had that revelation about yourself, this post is not for you. But if you might have had moments where you’ve passed over the chance to do good for others, or you struggle to do good, or you know the internal battle that goes on inside of you when you feel like you should rightfully sacrifice your comfort for someone else’s benefit, then you know what I’m talking about.

I know I’m not a good person. I could be better, but I’m not. I fall short. I am not enough good for this world.

Thank God for Jesus.

*Please note: sarcasm. Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

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