Since I write fantasy, and I find myself watching maybe one too many superhero movies, I think a lot of people ask me which character I would be in a story. I surprise them, I think, by answering them honestly: I am the villain, of course.
But Why? Why would a sweet-tempered, obviously hilarious person such as myself be A VILLAIN?
First of all, I have a great evil laugh. You don’t have a superhero laugh that doesn’t sound absolutely as awesome as an evil laugh.
Second, I am not such a good person. Really. I heard once that GAP uses clothing made by child slaved but I absolutely love going to Old Navy (SAME COMPANY, PEOPLE) and buying stuff. So I am an indirect supporter of child labor or child slavery, I’m not sure. And even IF they don’t, then I am apathetic towards the plight of children around the world stuck working in a factory for 14 hours straight so I can get a swwweeett deal on a nice pair of jeans. I will even criticize them if they do not flatter my post-baby butt.
Third, I tend to be more destructive than constructive. I will litter (I just threw half of a carrot cake bar out of my car window TODAY) and laugh at it (as I am doing now). I will criticize and criticize all day long and at the end of it wonder why time has to go so quickly when I am enjoying myself. Since I work as a teacher, I DO – ADMITTEDLY – think about how I can get my students to work hard at something while I get a free moment to check my Facebook pages (www.facebook.com/thestartlightchroniclesslumbering – check it out!). So I am lazy.
Fourth, heroes tend to sacrifice stuff for the greater good. I don’t like to give up anything. I have to make myself laugh constantly or I would have given up writing this blog by now. I don’t have TIME to write this!! I need to get working! And forget about me giving someone money. I will remember that from here on till eternity. I can see myself walking up to your mansion in heaven and asking if you were ready to repay me that $50.00 I lent you. Plus interest. I also don’t like to give up my peace. Yes, sure it is all very well and good that we have town meetings and stuff, but what can I REALLY DO about the controversial issues with charter schools taking more money and selling out more rights to the federal government? Blog about it. That’s it. And I’m too busy for that. And it’s hard to understand. AND I AM HUNGRY. [Leaves, gets snack, checks Facebook, sighs, comes back 142 minutes later…’Oh, I suppose I’ll finish this?’].
Fifth, I just don’t give stuff up, I tend to take things. YOU need to listen to ME. YOU need to do stuff or give me stuff or agree with ME. YOU need to earn my RESPECT, LOVE/ADMIRATION and I will obligingly give it to you assuming you keep up your act. I also get jealous of stuff extremely easily. Superheros try to save things that are good, and destroy things that are evil. They are more rooted in their absolutes than I am.
Sixth…this is an easy one. I am too easily angered. You don’t want to see me angry. Me angry with super-human strength? “Oh, sorry, Books-A-Million, if only you hadn’t SAID NO to a book signing for me.” I can see it now. There are people that resemble idiotic people from my own life that are still paying for messing with me in high school. And that has been awhile. Superheros are supposed to be better than that. They’re supposed to hate the bad guys for what they do, not who they are. I can’t say I’m there all the time.
Seventh, I am fickle. I change my mind a lot. A LOT. And not just because I am a woman. But superheroes don’t typically do this. They fight for love and justice and all that other good stuff. I’d change my mind about who deserves which and what and how much of which and how much of what.
There are a lot of reasons why I would make a great villain, too. Black makes me look thinner, but I am also pretty smart, so I would be able to think of ingenious plans to take over the world. I am pretty secretive, so no one would suspect me until the very end. I am pretty funny, so everyone would think it was a joke until the curtain was pulled back and it was revealed that the joke was on them, so to speak. And I am pretty creative, and I believe in poetic justice, so I would enjoying judging and sentencing people beneath me. The punishment needs to fit the crime, people!
All in all, it is good I am limited in what I choose to do. It is good I am not inclined to think I am meant to be a villain, even though I would be pretty good at it, and it is good I am too stubborn to change my mind about that, and too lazy to do anything if I do decide to change my mind. I also think it would be pretty wonderful if everyone got along and worked for a common goal without having a secret agenda in the meantime.
There are enough bad people in the world. I don’t really want to be counted among them.