Sigh*

*Sigh…

I’m about to start writing this blog, more or less because writing has always been that release, that great “bringer of catharsis” I’ve always needed, and it seems to help clarify a few things. Also there are some great perks to it; mainly, I don’t have to listen to anyone else’s feedback in mid-rant, and I don’t have to pay exuberant amounts of money to gain insight.

So what do I need write tonight, as I start this blog, this long-standing evidence of myself which is destined to become a fingernail scraping the history of the Internet, remnants of my thoughts, a trickle of spit in an ocean of writing, lingering on driftlessly after I am gone? Probably not more metaphors.

I suppose I should start by clarifying a few things to set the foundation for my writing career. After all, I’m sure once I’ve been sucked into the whirlpool of “famous-osity” I will want to look back on my career and either recant a lot of it (and therefore be able to properly recant it) or affirm my humble beginnings. I’m hoping to affirm them. That’s probably what’ll happen when I’m famous. After all, the things people believe at thirteen are the things that form the fundamental truths of the majority of the rest of their lives.

And one of my most cherished, most brazen beliefs is that of setting the foundation. If you want something done, and you want to build something up to seemingly impossible heights (stuff like me wanting to become a world-famous writer, for instance), you have to lay a strong foundation. I’ve coined the term “foundationalism” for myself in my mind, but I’m sure it means something else to everyone else.

The foundation I have is solidified in my identity, which has come from my family, my travels, my friends, my beliefs, and my choices. And my cats.

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This is to be a reflection of that – and probably of a lot of other things (gotta love word play) – but it is also to help complement my books and my works. Which you should buy. Which you should buy a lot of.

I’ve been told that since I’ve written a book and people will buy it, these same people will want to know about me, and what I believe, and what I like to do, and they will follow me on Twitter (@C_S_Johnson13) because that is cool to do.

Some problems with that…

First, I am not cool. Not really at all. Even if I am a little cool, my idea of cool is lame. I like to read books and think philosophically about stuff. Most of the time while I am daydreaming in traffic, which already makes at least three-fourths of the people reading this not like me (Driving skills are more important in a relationship than you think!). Sometimes I talk to myself while I do it. I think if you saw me doing that you would not think it is cool so much as mental.

Second problem: I don’t like people knowing a lot of stuff about me (secrets, secrets). That is how blackmail and lawsuits start. Either that or tripping down the unmarked wet stairs at Wal-Mart. None of that is good.

Third problem: I don’t think people will really like me when they see what I am like. I am very stubborn, most of the time quick to make a joke, I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism as much as a weapon, and I’ve been told I come off as narcissistic and two-faced. I love to talk about literature and language, and how there are imaginary creatures in heaven, and why Americans can’t all be skinny, and that I keep a posted record of EXACTLY how much debt I am in my living room since I am so OCD about money.

Sure, I can be charming and hide my insecurity when I need to, but then I feel like all of it is fluff, and once I have a bad day where I can’t control it, you will begin to hate me, and slowly you will start to avoid me, make excuses, and I will see this, and be all awkward, and try to pretend it didn’t happen, but it did, and there is no forgetting that, so I can’t really blame you for wanting to get away from me. And I do not do well with rejection (just ask my in-laws).

I do not feel qualified to make a foundation. But I am. It is a deeply intentional, logical, and meaningful thing for me to do for my writing, which I love so much, and for my career, which I want so badly, and for myself, who I am stuck with for the rest of my life.

And as cheesy as it sounds (almost as cheesy as using the cliche ‘as cheesy as it sounds’), I am placing my hope in God on this one. I’ve lived long enough, seen enough, tried enough, done enough, watched enough, enoughed enough, to know that in both life and faith, there has to be a sacrifice. This is cornerstone of the Christian belief, and we are what we believe. Or at least, we know what we should believe. And this is one thing I do believe.

So, I will trust in him to do what he thinks is good.

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