Driven By Me-Eternity

No offense to John Bevere is meant by the title of this blog post; knowing myself, it is more of an offense to myself with my self-deprecating humor.

There are a lot of things in life I just don’t understand. I can’t explain them very well, either, especially if I don’t understand something well in the first place. I don’t understand why I suddenly feel the urge to clean and clean instead of working on my screenplay for my novel, for example. I can’t explain why I alternate on wanting to be this dynamic, awesome, well-known author/blogger/speaker/etc. and this quiet but well mannered person who makes the world a better place in secret. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to see that I write in the superhero genre. I apparently long for that shifting change in my life, if that last sentence is more than telling.

But I suppose I should get back to my original point. I don’t know a lot about certain things. One of those things, unfortunately, is the way of God. Oh, sure, I have the basics down. But the nitty-gritty stuff? Not as certain. And while what I think seems to correspond to most of what the Bible experts are saying, it is more than a bit frustrating at times.

Like when it talks about what it means to be truly saved, and since I am on that topic I will tell you right now I hate that phrase. One of the stupidest things about modern day Christianity is this debate over whether you’re ‘truly saved’ or not. Saved is an extreme. Like more unique. You can be more unique than unique! Semantics, people.

In his book Driven By Eternity, John Bevere accounts a couple of allegoric takes on salvation. I have to say, as an English person, I love this, because literature tends to be the vehicle by which I understand the majority of life and how I am to respond to events that occur or react to things I just don’t know how to react to. Which is why probably a lot of people die in my novels without much fuss, but that is another story. Or shrink session.

For the most part, I like what he has to say. But there is still a certain amount of uncertainty for me. He basically argues that you have to be continually growing to be saved, although I hope there is more leeway for that. I am terrible about growing spiritually. I have the full spectrum of emotions, and God knows I am pretty intelligent, not to mention wise, which is more than half of the people I interact with on a semi-regular basis can say (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). But spiritually I am probably more in tune with Satan.

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I am judgmental, envious, snide, hurtful, weak-hearted, uncertain, fearful, self-deprecating, and hateful. On a pretty regular daily basis. How do I overcome that??

I’m not really sure. Loving people certainly doesn’t seem to be the answer. I suppose loving God is, but I think I tried that before and it didn’t work. Maybe I did that wrong? Not sure again. I know asking people that question is ridiculous, since most of them are more screwed up than I am. Personally, I’d love to run away, shut myself off from the rest of the world, and hide. But I will probably not do that for a while yet. I still think about running away to different countries on occasion. Escaping has never seemed to work in the movies, though, and I would need Wifi.

I think it’s to say I’m sorry, and all that stuff, but frankly, it’s easy to do that when I 1) have already done that a bunch of times, and 2) don’t necessarily mean it for future stuff. Like I am sorry you are such a moron and I don’t really want to see you ever again because all you do is talk about yourself and never even ask me about my life while all the stuff you’re telling me you seem to have said with a particular someone else in mind, and it seems more like you are trying to convince yourself rather than me, and I don’t even think you care that I have more important things to worry about (like Kafka and Mann, for one thing) and so I am not even really listening but you probably do notice this to a point since you talk so much and so loudly that it really does bother me. When I apologize, I go back to square one, and give you another chance, and then you ruin it. And then someone blames me for being the REALLY wrong one – all because I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want to be someone’s tape recorder. Am I truly sorry for this? YES. I feel badly about it, on a number of levels, though most of them are self-serving. Am I going to forgive you for this? Of course, because honestly you don’t appear to know any better even though I expected better of you (and others, too) and have to admit now I was foolish to do so. And then I need more forgiveness, because I am not a pleasant person at all.

Do you see the problems I have with the idea of forgiveness in the Bible? I don’t want to forgive, but I know I will and I should. Does this mean I have to like it? NO. Does this mean I have to really mean it? YES.

I KNOW JESUS FORGAVE ME WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE.

I know in the fabric of eternity, Jesus is there, on the cross, dying for me over and over and over again (this is complicated to explain – don’t read too much into this – this is just where God is outside of time and he can look back and forth and all around so he can revisit that day on Calvary over and over again if he likes or needs to, not that he would need to, but just saying…) and I need it. God I need it.

I used to (and still do, sometimes) make the joke that people who wrong me will suffer loss for it in heaven. Joke’s on me, probably. I will suffer quite a bit of loss in heaven myself. For I know I am saved, but I need to reprioritize my life. I do want to be a better person, but I also want to be the best, to be number one. Do you know how hard that is to live with to the extent I do? It is hard. Especially when NO ONE has a long attention span these days. And then there is the reality that I really stink at doing a decent job on so many things. I’m good, but then I’m not good. We are all bad, and Jesus is all good, and any good I have it is through him. All these things run through my mind and I am terrified at the end of the day I will not get to heaven because I am too double-minded and undisciplined. Thank God for Jesus or I would have no hope at all.

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